Friday Fictioneers: In the Early Morning Rain

Posted: October 22, 2014 in Friday Fictioneers
Tags: , ,

Vacation hiatus over, it’s time to get back to Friday Fictioneers, writing for small people.  Whoops!  I mean small writing for people.  🙂  Tight, with well-chosen words to get the most bang for the buck (or the hundred or so words);  based on a photo, at least to some degree, often only in the mind of the author. Designed to, what?  Comfort? Surprise? Horrify? Amuse?  Shock?  Create recognition? All depends on what the author decide and what the reader brings to the story…and takes away from it.

“One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.”
~Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums

 

In the Early Morning Rain

A chilly winter morning; cold, grey light reflecting from the lake. He stood motionless on the shore, staring into the distance. She wanted to call to him, speak his name, have him turn, see his face light up when he saw her; run to him, then sit quietly by his side.  Of course, she couldn’t. It was no longer her right or privilege.

It began to rain, the freezing drops like diamond tears cried for the lost. He sprinkled the ashes on the water. She touched him then, the lightest touch of warm breeze, then moved on through the morning.

.

(From the days when songs were the focus, not the show.)

Comments
  1. dmmacilroy says:

    Dear Janet,

    In The Early Morning Rain is one of your best stories ever. Vacation must have charged your batteries because this is electric. Your last sentence reminded me very much of the moment I scattered my father’s ashes in the break zone outside of Kaneohe Bay. Beautiful work.

    Aloha,

    Doug

  2. Dear Janet,

    Stunning piece. It seems the hiatus got your creative juices flowing. You left me with an ache that will follow me through the day.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    PS Small people? 😯

  3. Yes, I agree with Doug above. This was powerful. Wow.

  4. Janet, welcome back .. your stories and your skill in spotting my grammatical errors have been missed.. as for the story I must say it’s one of your best yet. Written with the right touch of melancholy that works so well with the picture…

    • Ahh, Björn , if I could just write in Swedish as well as you do in English…and figure out how to put the dots over your name without having to copy the name from the comments…

      janet

      • I have started a course in creative writing and I also found frustration when I couldn’t find the m-dash.. I had to work in word to get it done.. (on iPad you can get all letters much easier though..

  5. Stunning.
    Apparently water is the perfect element for a creative swim

  6. Sandra says:

    Beautifully done Janet. Welcome back. I missed you.

  7. To come back in style…Boom! Powerful, yet gentle…sad, yet full of love. I tip my hat to you.

  8. Wow, Janet, that’s wonderful. Your batteries have been well and truly recharged. That last line is a stunner.
    Claire

    (And it’s been a long time since a man with a comb-over has sung on national television)

  9. Allan G. Smorra says:

    Welcome back and thank you for this wonderful story. The nod to PP&M rounded out an emotional experience.

  10. And I forgot to say I love this song. Thanks for adding.

  11. sandraconner says:

    I think this is the most ethereal piece I’ve ever read by you. Nicely done, Janet.

  12. Freezing drops like diamond tears…I like that 🙂

  13. paulmclem says:

    Lovely story. I love using weather in writing. Nothing sets a mood better than cold rain, snow etc.

  14. the freezing drops like diamond tears OOPPS I was just about to say this is my favorite line when I spotted Dawn’s comment. Instead I will say DITTO that! Lovely piece.

  15. Wonderful story! I read it three times to fully absorb it and loved it more each time.

  16. Karin says:

    Absolutely beautiful story and yes, that last line is a stunner.

  17. storydivamg says:

    Welcome back! The photo does seem to depict a rather harsh, cool morning, doesn’t it? And, of course, the chore of spreading a loved one’s ashes requires such conditions. Tenderly told.

    Cheers!
    MG

  18. “One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.”
    ~Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums

    “Then, you will have simply the right words.”
    Randy Mazie, The Hotcross Buns

    We miss our loved ones. They whisper to us slightly form the morning fog.
    Nice piece.
    Randy

  19. Welcome back! Glad to see you brought some inspiration back with you- This is definitely a strong start after your short story hiatus. 🙂

  20. Margaret says:

    I love how you use ‘he’ and ‘she’ to shift the point of view so subtly. And the idea of her longing and her inability to talk to him – just the warm breeze. Breathtaking.
    Marg

  21. Lovely, sad, moving, terrific all at once. Super job, Janet.

  22. draliman says:

    Lovely descriptions for a moving story. I particularly liked “the freezing drops like diamond tears cried for the lost”.

  23. I agree with the others that this is one of your most moving stories, Janet. Our emotions are heightened with each new reveal – his sadness, her longing, the tossing of the ashes. Beautiful story, beautifully written.

  24. Maree Gallop says:

    Oh so moving and well put together, I held my breath for every line. Great work!

  25. Oh! Now this has a subtle sense of deja vu! 😀
    Strikingly written, Janet, and I particularly loved the line: “It began to rain, the freezing drops like diamond tears cried for the lost.” Absolutely beautiful.
    As for the breeze …. well, that’s the effect I tried to convey in mine, but think I ‘missed’.;)

  26. Lovely. I’m left wondering how each of their “lives” carry on.

  27. Amy Reese says:

    Beautiful and inspiring work, Janet. It’s a tender moment, and she can still touch him with a warm breeze. Very nice!

  28. Honie Briggs says:

    You’ve returned refreshed, and your story shows it. Lovely and sad.

  29. Elizabeth says:

    So sad story, seems everyone wrote sad stories this week.

  30. Nan Falkner says:

    Love it Janet! So tender and so sad. What a truly tragic ending to a love that once was. WOW! Nan 🙂

  31. wildbilbo says:

    Beautiful and haunting ghost story. well done.

  32. subroto says:

    Beautifully written, I was moved by it’s tenderness.

  33. Dee says:

    A very moving story Janet. Skilfully worked between tenderness and sorrow, very well done, one of your best I think

    Dee

  34. Sarah Ann says:

    Beautiful. And welcome back.

  35. Janet, That was quite a twist at the end. It surprised me. It was a sad. but lovely story with great description. Good and well written story. — Suzanne

  36. rgayer55 says:

    I always loved that song and your story really touched my heart, Here’s to all the small people.

What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, that or the other thing.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.