Language abuse…historic bloopers, part 2

Posted: November 20, 2018 in Humor, Words
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Are your ready for some more fractured history?  We’ll start with the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle-aged,  and end with Shakespeare and his contemporaries.  Thanks again to Richard Lederer and his hilarious book, Anguished English.  As I’m mentioned before, he has a number of other books that will keep you laughing.  Pick one up and tell me if I’m wrong…if you’re able to get the words out while giggling.

Warning!!  Do NOT consume hot beverages or even food while reading unless prepared to do laundry and clean up your surroundings.  You have been warned!!


Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.

Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue-bonnet plague brew boobs on their necks.  Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In medevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.

The government of England was a limited mockery.  From the  womb of Hentry V*** Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.   And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.

In one of Shakespeare’s famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over every time he sees his mother.  In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. The proof that the witches in Macbeth were supernatural is that no one could eat what they cooked.

The clown in As You Like It is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

  1. I guessed it that the common story of Jean of Orleans was a fairytale… now I know the truth ;O)

  2. Tish Farrell says:

    What an all round hoot! (Heeded warning about refraining from consumables).

  3. Joanne Sisco says:

    What a great way to start the morning! Some of these were laugh out loud funny! … Donkey Hote!! I had to read that a couple of times 🤣🤣🤣

  4. Dan Antion says:

    These are so funny, Now I can have my coffee. I do remember that the Spanish Armadillo was one mean son-of-a-gun 😉

  5. Somehow I ended up with two post that were the same except for a slightly different introduction. When I got rid of one of the posts, the comments were gone as well (except in the attic of WP.) So I’m taking them and adding them here. Thanks to all of you who commented on the other one. I’m happy you liked it (and this one!) 🙂

    easyweimaraner commented on Language abuse…historical bloopers, part 2
    I had no clue that even voltaire had a sweet tooth ;O)))

    Su Leslie commented on Language abuse…historical bloopers, part 2
    These are so funny Janet. 😂😂

    Sue commented on Language abuse…historical bloopers, part 2
    Well, an abbess on a man’s knee in the age of Shivery….would that keep him warm?

    Oh, and interesting to note that the student s don’t grasp that expire, ,for example, means to die, so they talk of someone expiring and that led to their death….weird!

  6. Madhu says:

    Ouch…that circumcision! Good thing I didn’t ignore your warning Janet 😀

    • Yes, the circumcision had me laughing out loud as I typed it. Glad you didn’t spew anything. 🙂 There will be one more next week and then on to some other abuse of language.

  7. Sue says:

    Thanks, Janet…I did love ‘The Age of Shivery’! Brrrrr

  8. Leya says:

    Thank you for the warning – and now my smile just will stay with me through the night , I think. Hilarious! Donkey Hote? 😀

  9. de Wets Wild says:

    Queen Elizabeth sure knew how to motivate an army!

  10. These were funny indeed! Donkey Hote..OMG! that was hilarious.

  11. Sir Francis Drake and John Milton were a lot meaner than I realized. HAH!? Thanks for today’s chuckle and have a Happy Thanksgiving Day tomorrow.