Language abuse: historic bloopers, part 3

Posted: November 27, 2018 in Words
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Here’s the end of history as we know is or, rather, as we didn’t know it. Unfortunately, the bloopers only go up to WWI, but don’t worry, there will be lots more fun with words on the following Tuesdays.  Now on to the fun!

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.  During the War, the Red Coast and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, “In onion there is strength.”

Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, A supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth’s career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1927 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon’s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.  Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.   The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.  Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote Organ of the Species. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, was caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, and ushered in a new error in the anals human history.

  1. what a sweet book voltaire wrote… and I bet mr. columbus cursed a lot about the weather while crossing the big pond…

    • 🙂 I’m sad to see these end, but there’s a lot more funny stuff where this came from and I found three more books I own that will be able to contribute some interesting a/o funny things for future posts.

  2. brainsnorts says:

    that captain smith was a busy guy.

  3. Sue says:

    Queen Victoria sat on a thorn, eh? That might explain her expression….

  4. Dan Antion says:

    There are some good ones here. And some truth. Ben Franklin is still dead, Booth’s career was ruined, and now it makes sense that the sun doesn’t set on the British empire.

  5. billgncs says:

    this history, while confusing, is much more interesting !

  6. John Hric says:

    ‘Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this’ – so Mr. Smith was both a mass killer and procreator ? There is a Pilgram’s progress joke in there somewhere.

    • And he was also a very busy man. 🙂 There are so many funny things in this that it’s hard for me to choose a favorite, but I think the section about Lincon is one of the best.


  7. Meanwhile in Europe gravity was being discovered. OMG! These were hilarious.

  8. Hilarious! Beethoven had a lot harder life than I realized.

  9. JT Twissel says:

    These are all great but that last one is laugh until you fall out of your chair funny!

  10. happyface313 says:

    🙂 Dear Janet,
    fun, fun, fun! Thanks for sharing!
    Have a very HAPPY week.
    Claudia 🙂

  11. de Wets Wild says:

    Weren’t the people just so tough in the old days!? So many things we take for granted these days – imagine having to build your own log cottage to be born in because your mother died as an infant, and still overcoming all that adversity to become precedent… Or sitting on a thorn for 63 years! And the moral values sure have changed as well – today keeping a spinster, of any age never mind an old one, in your attic to practice having kids with would be seriously frowned upon.Thanks goodness we reproduce by machine now.

    My belly hurts from all the chuckling. Thanks, Janet!

  12. Leya says:

    😀 😀 :_D