Language abuse: alternative meanings

This week we’ll take a break from Anguished English because my sister-in-law sent me the results of the Washington Post’s annual neologism contest.  These are just too much fun not to pass on.

(Just did a bit more research and found that these are from 2013.  That means more to come, I’d guess.)

Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Language abuse: spelling misteaks

Spelling is often abused, not always with humorous outcomes, although auto correct has its moments.  However, these spelling bloopers might, to quote a famous rock group, “make a grown man cry.”  I suppose now it should read “make a grown person cry”, but as they say: “Whatever!”

1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Vestal virgins were pure and chased.
3. In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.  (Dan, is that true???)
4. They gave William IV a lovely funeral.  It took six men to carry the beer.  (Seems like “Dilly, dilly” should be the response.)
5. To celebrate at feasts, the inhabitants of old England sometimes cut the head off the biggest bore and carried it around on a platter.
6. Carats, 2 for 39 cents.
7. Please leave your umbrella and goulashes here.  (Is that cultural appropriation?)
8. She had a seizure–her third one–and she fell and went unconscious.  She was in a comma and she never woke up.
9. Editors and Proff Readers–Must be good in spelling and grammar.  (We can see why!)
10. Mr. and Mrs. Garth Robinson request the honor of your presents at the marriage of their daughter Holly to Mr. James Stockman.  (That’s why you invite 300 of your closest friends, right?)

Again, all from Anguished English, by Richard Lederer.  Please, if you don’t buy it, at  least check it out (literally as well as figuratively) from the library!

 

Language abuse: bienapropisms

What on earth is a bienapropism??  Richard Lederer says that “The best malapropisms are those that leap across the chasm of absurdity and land on the side of truth” and dubs them bienapropisms, in the spirit of the French roots.  My interpretation?  Bien (good) + appropriate + malapropism = lots of fun!!  Here are some examples, again from Anguished English.  Read ’em and weep.

1. The cookbook is being compiled.  Please submit your favorite recipe and a short antidote concerning it.
2. We sold our house and moved into one of those pandemoniums.
3. To be a leader, you have to develop a spear de corps.
4. Senators are chosen as committee chairmen on the basis of senility.
5. The hills were worn down by eroticism.
6. Apartheid is a pigment of the imagination.
7. Certainly the pleasures of youth are great, but they are nothing compared to the pleasures of adultery.
8. The defendant pleaded exterminating circumstances.
9. Finally, this one that we’ve used for fun in our family for years:  It’s a fragment of your imagination.

Happy Tuesday!

A silly for Saturday

Pulled from the headlines:

Mitch McConnell: Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, Accuses Majority Leader of Lying on Senate Floor Friday

Why lie on the Senate (or any other) floor?  Doesn’t he have a home to go to where he can lie down?  Floors in public places tend to be rather dirty, so I refuse to lie on any of them.

Sometimes that’s just how my mind works.  May you see many sillys this Saturday and enjoy every one of them.

(And please, no serious political comments!)