Language abuse…It’s a sign.

I’m writing this on Monday afternoon with chicken stock simmering on the stove, something to combat the cold outside.  I exercised this morning, both on the treadmill and on the weight machines, but now I’m going to exercise my laughing muscles.  You’re welcome to give yours a workout as well.

As usual, at least so far, all examples are from Richard Lederer’s manual on how misuse of the English language can make us laugh, Anguished English.  Have any of you picked up a copy either at the library or bookstore since you started reading the Language Abuse posts?  I hope at least a few of you have enjoyed them enough to do so.  But now, without further ado or even much ado about nothing, let’s take a look at signs that might give a rather different impression to the reader than was expected by the creator of the sign.

In a New York restaurant:  Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:  Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. — Sisters of Mercy.

In the offices of a loan company:  Ask about our plans for owning your home.

On a Maine shop:  Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

In the window of an Oregon general store:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

In a clothing store:  Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

Outside a country shop:  We buy junk and sell antiques.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:  Person are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On a Tennessee highway:  Take notice:  when this sign is under water, this road is impassible.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:  Don’t kill your wife.  Let our washing machines do the dirty work.

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:  Archery tournament.  Ears pierced.

And with that, I wish you a most enjoyable and blessing-filled Tuesday (or whatever day you might be on for my friends in a different hemisphere).