“Tell me where to get more wax.”

Don’t tell me I’m burning the candle at both ends, tell me where to get more wax.”
That clever creature, “A nony mouse”

 As many scientists abandon the theory of global warming/climate change, I would love them to concentrate on an even bigger threat to humankind:  disappearing wax.

You may scoff, but think about this: where does wax go when a candle burns down?  You don’t know, do you? This is a sticky wicket (or maybe a waxy wicket) if I ever encountered one.  When you burn a candle, there’s never a puddle of wax at the bottom of the candle equal to the amount that’s gone from the candle, is there?  No, it’s just gone.  Where did it go?  Into the air!!  Where else?

What if some day I strike a match or turn on the stove and the wax, currently invisible in the air, begins to run down the walls in my house (oh, I see a great horror movie in the works)?  Instead of being ashy, would people become waxy?  “Wax on, wax off” might become a mantra for cleaning crews.  And what could be done with all the wax that’s cleaned up?  You can’t burn it to get rid of it, since we just established that won’t work.  Bury it underground?  Encase nuclear waste in it?

Maybe it could be recycled into new candles if we can figure out a way to separate it from the air.  New jobs will be spawned and the economy will grow.

I know I’m waxing eloquent on this topic, but it seems to me that this is a huge problem we’ve not taken steps to address.  Think of all the candles in the US alone!  We probably need a wax czar (I could name a few politicians who already look as if they’re made of wax and move as quickly) and a Wax Action Committee Krew (WACK, get it?)  The Wax Czar could wax eloquent and poetic about the dangers of hidden wax and legislate solutions. A surtax on all wax items ( a wax tax) could pay for all of it.  Candle making could be added to high school programs and allow new programs at universities: become a “Wax Master” in only one year. This will help the employment numbers.

What about a Spinoza bumper sticker to go right next to “Visualize Whirled Peas”:
Do not weep.  Do not wax indignant.  Understand.

Lewis Carroll and the Walrus are on my side:

“The time has come,” the walrus said, “to talk of many things:
Of shoes and ships – and sealing wax – of cabbages and kings.”

And finally, we can all acknowledge what we’ve always known:

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country.  But he won’t get a bikini wax.
–Rita Rudner

 

And I’m with him on that!